it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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