Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
