Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
