i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
