Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
