there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
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Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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