I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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