no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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