Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
