Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
