she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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