Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm really busy with my period
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