Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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