My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
