Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
