Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
