I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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