you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
the liver wants what the liver wants
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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