eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
