How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My ass is underappreciated
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
