So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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