I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Randomize
