We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
