I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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