Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
