The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i wish my penis had a tongue
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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