I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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