Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
