We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
