I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
