Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So much rum. So many feels.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
