i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
