Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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