I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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