Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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