Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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