if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
