He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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