Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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