hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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