i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am spending my child support on dildos
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
