Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
