you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
