My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
