I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
