i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
