I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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