i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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