I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
