I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
