If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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