you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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