I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
