Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
