Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
