I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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