I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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