I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
