Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What a dumb baby whore.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
