am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
