so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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