Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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