Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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